Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
