at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
this beer tastes like vomit already
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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