Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
