I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
