Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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