for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
