If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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