I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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