if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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