dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
