remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
