On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize