no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
