i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Randomize
