End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
