fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
