We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
