JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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