I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
