Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
