so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize