I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize