if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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