they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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