Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
