Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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