Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
