I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
