you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
no more duck duck goose at the bar
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
