Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
