if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
