remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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