So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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