she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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