1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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