so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
