she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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