You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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