just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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