my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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