So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
