you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
