everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
PANTIES FOUND
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
