Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
