You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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