I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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