I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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