I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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