i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
