If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
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