just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
