How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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