why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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