i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
