Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I will be naked everywhere
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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